Friends Don’t Let Friends Become Kevin McCarthy
Extremely important updates on the earlier stories of today’s very normal day in Congress!
To recap, today Oklahoma Senator Markwayne Mullin, a Republican, got so wussy-ass triggered by the Teamsters president in a hearing he threatened to COME DOWN THERE RIGHT NOW. Meanwhile, Never-Again-Speaker Kevin McCarthy was apparently so wussy-ass triggered walking by one of the eight Republicans who voted to pull his pants down in front of the whole school and also end his political career, that he shoved that guy, Rep. Tim Burchett, right in his kidneys!
Tim Burchett’s kidney’s are still a-hurtin’! Mamaw’s gonna have to get the heatin’ pad tonight. And he probably ain’t fit for no country fuckin’ for the rest of the week. Real hard to get a new kidney when you’re like “Well I knowed I needed to get on the heatin’ pad but instead I did some fuckin’ and now I need a kidney.”
OK these are the updates.
First off, Matt Gaetz is filing an ethics complaint against Kevin McCarthy for hurting Tim Burchett on the kidneys.
“Who is filing a what complaint against HENGGGGH?” you ask. Matt Gaetz is filing an ethics complaint against Kevin McCarthy for hurting Tim Burchett on the kidneys. It was clear the first time we typed it.
Matt Gaetz (R-Ethics) is filing that complaint. It’s a very serious act by a very serious congressman.
Second update is from former Republican Rep. Adam Kinzinger, who says this whole walking by people and shoving them, like a fucking child, is totally a Kevin McCarthy move. Which totally tracks. It sounds like Kevin is that dork who wants you to believe he’s friends with the popular kids, and he is most certainly not, but he thinks that if he walks by and calls people fags and does that bro shove thing that he can at the very least establish himself in the pecking order above whoever he’s chosen to bully. (It’s a whole archetype.)
It’s a cry for help and a way of driving the pain down inside.
Anyway, Kinzinger says McCarthy did that loser “shoulder-check” thing to him twice.
Kinzinger adds, “He’s like an emotional third-grader.”
“There’s like this emotional thing that builds up in Kevin,” Kinzinger explains. “And he releases it like a third-grader.”
Kinzinger goes through all the sad patheticness that is Kevin McCarthy, his parade of life failures, and his minuscule sense of self-worth in a video over on his Substack, because duh Adam Kinzinger has a Substack.
“His entire identity was in being speaker, and now he’s just lost.”
“I hope he gets help. I hope he can find his worth in something other than his stripped title.” (It’s funny because Tim Burchett also said he was praying for McCarthy and hopes he finds happiness.)
“Don’t become Kevin McCarthy,” said Kinzinger.
Friends don’t let friends become Kevin McCarthy, we think Adam Kinzinger is saying. If you sense one of your friends or family is in crisis, call and ask them if they are Kevin McCarthy.
OK anyway OPEN THREAD.
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