We’ll Cry For You Argentina, Your New President Is A Chainsaw-Wielding Pet Psychic

Yeah, that Argentina’s new president with a chainsaw.

Argentina elected a new president on Sunday, far-right wackadoo economist and television personality Javier Milei — fulfilling the prophecy of his own dead English Mastiff, Conan, who told him from beyond the grave that God, specifically, said that Milei should get involved in politics because he was destined to become president.

Conan reportedly advises him on most of his political decisions.

Milei won with 56 percent of the vote against Peronist economy chief Sergio Massa after having, surprisingly, come in first in Argentina’s primary elections earlier this year. He has been compared to Donald Trump and Brazil’s Jair Bolsonaro (so, fascists) and has literally zero political experience whatsoever.

What could possibly go wrong?

Here are some more things about him:

  • He was previously a tantric sex coach and wants people to know that he is super into threesomes.

  • He says he is an anarcho-capitalist, which is not a thing no matter how hard some very stupid people try to make it one, because while there are many strains of anarchism, one constant is that it specifically opposes hierarchy, which is a necessity for capitalism. It has no philosophical connection to any other form of anarchism, which is rooted in the socialist movements of the 19th Century, and is really just a thing some incredible assholes thought would make them sound cool.

  • He wants to turn the country into an AnCap paradise, with almost no taxes, no social programs and where poor people are free to sell their body parts on the open market.

  • No abortion though!

  • Or comprehensive sex education in schools, which he believes is a “Marxist plot to destroy the family.”

  • He is a climate change denier.

  • And a COVID-19 vaccine conspiracist.

  • And he’s an asshole about trans people and LGBTQ people in general.

  • He wields a chainsaw at his rallies, representing his “chainsaw plan” to eliminate public health and education funding, plus 10 out of 18 government departments.

  • Aside from talking to his dead dog on the regular and seeking political advice from him, he also spent $50,000 to have the dog cloned five times.

  • Four of those Clone Dogs are named Milton, Murray, Robert and Lucas, after the kind of economists most terrible dudes stop talking about after college, Milton Friedman, Murray Rothbard, and Robert Lucas.

  • He has not said, to my knowledge, if he intends to replace abortion rights with “a free baby market” as Rothbard dreamed. Wouldn’t put it past him.

  • He really hates the Pope, whom he has called a “filthy Leftist,” “imbecile who defends social justice,” a “son of a bitch preaching communism” and “the representative of the evil one on Earth.”

  • He also once tweeted at the Pontifex that “Jesus didn’t pay taxes,” which does not actually seem true given the whole “render under Caesar” thing, unless he had some special “Son of God” exemption that I am unaware of because it wasn’t in that other Andrew Lloyd Webber show.

  • He wants the UK to give him the Falkland Islands.

  • He doesn’t brush his hair, but he does contour.

  • He was in a Rolling Stones cover band called “Everest” when he was younger. Here he is singing La Traviata in some kind of superhero outfit for reasons I am not 100 percent clear on (though actually not the worst version of that aria I have heard in the last week).

  • He wants to replace the Argentine peso with the US dollar, which I do not think is a thing the US would even let him do. His rallies, however, frequently include giant dollar bills with his face on it.

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As we all know, Argentinians are prone to liking their leaders with “just a little touch of star quality.”

Milei, unsurprisingly, is a very big fan of Donald Trump. The feeling is mutual, it seems, as Trump congratulated him on Sunday evening on Truth Social.

“Congratulations to Javier Milei on a great race for President of Argentina,” he wrote. “The whole world was watching! I am very proud of you. You will turn your Country around and truly Make Argentina Great Again!”

Either that or the dream team of “Terrible Guy You Made Out With After A Britpop Night In Your 20s Who Turned Out To Be Super Weird and His Dead Dog That Gives Him Advice About Stuff” will Make Argentina A Human Rights Nightmare Again, given what happened the last time someone with his economic views was in charge of a South American nation.

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Genard Musay

Genard is a reporter who reports on the biggest breaking news stories of the day as well as doing investigations and original stories

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